Pineapple Express

This is a story about figs, and a dessert that could not be recreated.

About five weeks ago I was invited up to Boothbay, Maine by a chef friend of mine, let's call him GwaG (short for Geoff with a G). It was his mother's 70th birthday and the whole family was gathering to mark the occasion with some serious weekend feasting. GwaG and I would be in charge of dessert after the formal birthday meal. We both agreed that something simple and rustic would be suitable. I knew that nothing was simpler than frozen puff pastry and that the hard work would be coming up with a fruit filling for a rustic tart. In late September the blueberries are long gone from Maine's rocky shores and apples seemed just too damned pedestrian to wow a crowd of gourmands. So I went a whole other route with something savory and sweet at the same time. That's how I came up with brandy-soaked dried Kalamata figs, goat cheese and fresh mint. It was risky experimenting like that on crowd of foodies, but nothing ventured, nothing gained someone once said. And the results? Well, the tart made a repeat appearance the following night by command of Mother GwaG herself, so one could assume it didn't suck.

When I went looking for dried figs during yesterday's record-breaking snow storm, none could be found, and I wasn't about to go gallivanting around the Bronx and Westchester counties looking for them when perfectly adequate substitutes eyed me from the shelves of TJs.

Chili Pineapple Tart - a Blog.O.Food original

1 package (¼ cup) Trader Joe's Chile Spiced Pineapple ¼ cup Frangelico liqueur ½ Tbsp brown sugar 1 sheet puff pastry dough 4 oz goat cheese, at room temperature 1 Tbsp fresh mint chiffonade

In a stainless steel mixing bowl, toss the dried pineapple, liqueur and brown sugar to thoroughly combine. Cover with plastic wrap and allow to sit for at least an hour, or overnight.

Pre-heat your oven to 400°F. Strain the macerated pineapple through a fine sieve, reserving the liquid. Thaw the puff pastry sheet for 10 minutes before rolling out on a floured work surface to roughly form a 10"x14" rectangle.

Transfer the dough to a baking sheet covered with parchment paper. Lightly brush some of the reserved fruit liquid on the tart crust to within 1 inch of the four edges. Arrange pineapple evenly on top of the syrup. Crumble the goat cheese over the fruit then top with the mint. Artfully fold over the edges of the pastry to make a rustic looking tart, and move to the oven.

Bake for 15 minutes, or until the crust has risen and develops a nice golden brown color. Remove tart from the baking sheet and allow to cool slightly before slicing and serving.

There is a welcome and not-unpleasant kick from the chili in my tart. It really enlivens the taste buds, and as with the figs, the cheese and mint play off one another in subtle and tantalizing ways. And I never met a food that a little hooch couldn't improve!

Did I say adequate substitutes? Well, I do have a gift for understatement. The pineapple tart far exceeded anything I had tried in that arena previously. I think we can safely say I hit this one out of the ball park. I'll be pulling a chili pineapple tart out my arsenal anytime I'm looking to score a few points with the "ladies", if you catch my drift.

Thanks for taking the time - Blog O. Food

Chocoflan

"Cameron, dear friend? And you thought we wouldn't have any fun. Shame on you." Ferris Bueller's Day Off

We'll be out of order chronologically here, my gentle readers, as this one's for my girl Belle of Big Ass fame. Belle's prose quite simply makes my heart ache with envy, admiration and empathy. I get completely caught up in her stories and have blubbered openly at many of them, especially those detailing her absent mother or ailing father. I stalked Belle online for months - if a gay man can stalk a woman - finally wearing her down with my silver tongue and honey-dipped charm. We're now more than mere FB pals, but still get a kick out of leaving comments & messages regularly on one another's profile pages. But food and the pornography that is Williams-Sonoma solidified our bond. She went ape shit over a Key lime pie that I didn't even have anything to do with, yet I got all the credit. Well, wait'll you get a load of this one, Belle!

Chocoflan - recipe by Marcela Valladolid

For the cake

10 Tbsp butter, room temperature 1 cup sugar 1 egg, room temperature 1¾ cups all-purpose flour ¾ tsp baking powder ¾ tsp baking soda ⅓ cup cocoa powder 1¼ cups buttermilk

For the flan

1 12-oz can evaporated milk 1 14-oz can sweetened condensed milk 4 oz cream cheese, room temperature 3 eggs 1 Tbsp vanilla extract

For the topping

¼ cup caramel sauce ¼ cup chopped pecans

Sift together the flour, baking powder, baking soda and cocoa over a piece of wax paper. After creaming the butter, sugar and egg together in a large mixing bowl, alternately beat in ⅓ of the dry ingredients and ½ the buttermilk, repeating and ending with the dry ingredients. Beat until well mixed. For the flan, meanwhile, combine the evaporated milk, condensed milk, cream cheese, eggs and vanilla in a blender, beating on high for 30 seconds.

Coat the entire inside of a large (12-cup) Bundt pan with a little butter, then add a little caramel sauce to the bottom of the pan before adding the cake batter and spreading evenly with a spatula. Slowly pour the flan mixture over the cake batter. Cover the Bundt pan with aluminum foil and place the pan in a bain-marie (water bath) with about an inch of water coming up the side of the pan. Bake for 1 hour on the middle rack of a 350° F pre-heated oven. After an hour, check the firmness of the cake, or insert a toothpick into the cake. A clean toothpick means the cake is done. Remove the Bundt pan from the water bath and allow the cake to completely cool to room temperature.

Place a large rimmed platter over the cooled cake, giggle jiggle a little bit, then invert the pan and platter. Remove the pan and marvel at the sight of the flan now on top of the cake. Drizzle with more caramel sauce and top with chopped pecans. Feed that mean streak running up your spine with cell phone photos sent to siblings and FB pals.

That pretty much covers it, my Belle. I keep promising to cook for you and the Druid at your little Mexican paradise (I'll even have the Lone Ranger in tow), but the invitation seems to be lost in the mail. If you try this one for yourself, substitute cajeta for the caramel. That way you can sell fat slices of Chocoflan in the village square for a little extra pocket money!

Thanks for taking the time - Blog O. Food

Just Desserts

If one can go by the responses to the dessert photo in my last post, and a very unscientific poll it would be, readers are just wild about sweets in general, and Key lime pie in particular. You know where I stand on the whole topic, give me a second helping of potatoes and you can have my slice of pie. But then, I've never made any claims to normalcy. Even so, I've picked up the dessert fork more often in the past five years or so than I have in all the years preceding them, which are many.

When we left off, our dinner party had retired to the patio to finish off the dregs of wine and enjoy a comforting fire on a cool night. Desserts were served, accompanied by a chorus of oohs and ahs from guests and neighbors alike. The Lone Ranger was host, let's start with his creation first, eh?

Apple Crumb Cake - by the Lone Ranger

2 lbs Granny Smith apples 3 cups flour 1½ tsp baking powder 1½ cups sugar ½ tsp salt 1½ sticks butter ¾ cup shortening 1 egg 1 tsp vanilla 1 tsp cinnamon 1 tsp sugar

Peel and slice apples then toss with ¾ cup sugar and set aside. In a large mixing bowl, cut shortening into the flour, ¾ cup sugar, salt, baking powder and vanilla, with a pastry cutter (or two forks). Divide mix into two equal halves in separate bowls. To one bowl, add the egg and cut in to combine. Press this mixture into a greased 9x15 baking pan. Spread sweetened apples evenly over dough then drop remaining crumb mixture over apples to cover loosely. Sprinkle with cinnamon. Bake at 350°F in a pre-heated oven for one hour. Remove and allow to cool to room temperature before serving. Vanilla ice cream would not suck with this dessert.

The Lone Ranger mixed in some Florina apples with the Granny Smiths. He likes the sweetness they add to the tart green ones. I'd have to say I agree with him. There was a very nice balance to the fruit.  But even after toiling over his apples in front of the television the night before, everybody raved about somebody else's pie. What a bunch of ingrates!

Key Lime Pie

Crust

1 doz ginger snap cookies 3 Tbsp sugar 1 stick unsalted butter, melted

Pie

4 large egg yolks 1 14-oz can sweetened condensed milk ½ cup fresh lime juice (approximately 12 Key limes) 2 tsp lime zest

Whipped Cream

1 cup heavy cream 4 tsp granulated sugar ½ tsp vanilla extract

For the crust, run cookies through a food processor until a medium-fine crumb forms. (For a low tech solution, bash cookies in a sealed freezer bag, with a rolling pin until crushed fine.) Mix together with the sugar, then add the melted butter and stir with a fork until fully blended. Pour this mixture into a 9" pie pan and press over the bottom and up the sides of the pan. Bake on the center rack of a 325°F pre-heated oven for about 15 minutes, or until the crust is lightly brown. Remove and allow to come down to room temperature on a cooling rack. Meanwhile, whisk the egg yolks and lime zest together in a bowl until tinted light green. This takes about 2 minutes. Beat in condensed milk, then the lime juice and set aside at room temperature till it thickens. Pour the lime filling into the cooled crust, spread evenly, and bake at 325° for 15 minutes, or until the center sets but still wiggles when shaken. Remove from the oven and cool to room temperature. Whip the heavy cream, sugar and vanilla with a sturdy whisk or hand mixer until stiff peaks form. You can use a piping bag and decorative tip for a fancy topping, but whipped cream spread evenly over the filling with a spatula works just as well. Refrigerate for at least three hours before serving well chilled.

Even after delivering slices throughout the neighborhood, the Lone Ranger and I were eating leftover dessert for days afterward. Luckily bathing suit season is winding down.

Thanks for taking the time - Blog O. Food

La Deuxième de Bœuf Bourguignon

With a dish as classic as beef bourguignon, you didn't think we were gonna skimp on the salad and dessert, now did you? Heaven forbid! Miss Muffy joined me at Schmidt's Market where the best produce in town can be found. (They have a very practiced butcher too, by the way.) Anyway, Muff spied some tantalizing, fresh California strawberries and her feverish mind began to whir. As stated in earlier posts, Miss Muffy possesses an almost scarily intuitive sense of food pairings. Sweet and heat, crunch and give, she's always just one step ahead of me. And I love that. Imagine how complacent I might become were I always the smartest guy in the room.

Flying Point Salad - A Miss Muffy original

1 head red-leaf Romaine lettuce 1 lb fresh strawberries 8 oz goat cheese 4 oz walnuts, roughly chopped 3 tsp orange zest Brianna's Blush Wine Vinaigrette

Separate and rinse lettuce in lots of cold running water. Dry in a salad spinner. Tear into large pieces and pile onto individual salad plates. De-stem and slice strawberries. Arrange to one side of the lettuce on each plate. Crumble goat cheese and place beside strawberries on plates. Arrange onion rings on top of lettuce, sprinkle walnuts, then orange zest over this. Drizzle vinaigrette sparingly atop salad just before serving.

Palates cleansed, dinner plates cleared and wine glasses topped off, we took a short pause in our dégustation to marvel over our labors and talk earnestly on the merits of George Clooney's acting. (We'd all recently seen "Up in the Air.") But sweet tooths (not teeth) needed tending and once again, Miss Muffy provided this bog with its money shot.

Easy Blueberry Lattice Tart - as told by Miss Muffy

1 package of refrigerated pie dough - I like Pillsbury the best 2/3 cup sugar ¼ cup cornstarch 3 tsp grated lemon rind Dash of nutmeg 5 cups blueberries (frozen are fine) 1 egg whisked with 1 tsp water

Preheat oven to 425°. On a floured surface, roll out one piece of the pie crust into a 12" circle and fit into a 9" fluted tart pan. Combine the sugar, cornstarch, nutmeg and lemon rind in a large bowl. Add blueberries; mix gently and spoon into tart pan. Roll remaining pie dough into 10" circle. Cut into strips and arrange in lattice pattern over the fruit. Press edges of dough together and fold under. Brush dough with the egg mixture. Bake for 15 minutes. Reduce oven temperature to 375° and bake for 30 minutes or until pastry is glazed and fruit is bubbling. Cool on a wire rack.

The Money Shot

Goodness, how spoiled we are!

But worth it, don't you think?

Thanks for taking the time - Blog O. Food

Cookin' With Gas

Is it a Man thing, or does everyone get an insatiable craving for red meat every now and again? An itch they just can't scratch? Whatever. Since Muffy brought her second-oldest son with her, there was no avoiding it. Beef, medium-rare, would be on the menu. Jaime's eyes lit up like Roman candles when he heard the word porterhouse. Another satisfied customer in the offing!

This night's dishes came from "Screen Doors and Sweet Tea - Recipes and Tales from a Southern Cook", by Martha Hall Foose. I stumbled upon this gem while perusing the stacks at the New York Botanical Garden gift shop. The book manager there knows me by face, name and credit card number. I've dropped more coin on cookbooks there than in Tivoli Fountain. I am surely his favorite, most loyal patron. He's got a great knack for what's gonna sell, and I simply cannot help myself.

Ms. Foose is the executive chef at the Viking Cooking School (yes, THAT Viking). She earned points on that fact alone. Her book is jam-packed with upgraded and tantalizing recipes from the American South. I had a laundry list of possibilities from entrées to desserts and had a one hell of a time winnowing them down to a single dinner. Thank goodness for cravings, otherwise there was no way to decide between steak and Paper Sack Catfish. And I actually had to have two side dishes, or I'd still be vacillating between them all.

Cheese Grits - from Screen Doors and Sweet Tea

¾ cup whole milk ½ Tbsp unsalted butter 1 garlic clove, minced ¼ tsp salt ½ cup quick-cooking grits 4 oz sharp Cheddar cheese, grated ½ tsp hot pepper sauce ¼ tsp freshly ground black pepper 1 large egg hot paprika

Preheat oven to 325°F. Butter a shallow 1-quart baking dish.

In a medium saucepan over medium-high heat, combine half the milk, a half-cup of water, the butter, garlic and salt. Bring to a rolling boil. Slowly whisk in the grits. Whisk continuously for a minute, until no lumps remain. Reduce the heat, cover and simmer for 5 minutes. Remove from the heat and stir in the cheese.

In a mixing bowl, whisk together the remaining milk, hot sauce, pepper and egg. Gradually add the hot grits, stirring to combine. Pour the grits into the prepared baking dish and sprinkle with paprika.

Bake for 45 minutes, until puffy around the edges and a knife inserted into the center comes out clean.

Cover baking dish and keep warm until serving.

Blue Cheese Porterhouse - from Screen Doors and Sweet Tea

3 1½ lb porterhouse steaks 3 garlic cloves, minced 3 tsp olive oil Salt Coarsely ground black pepper 6 tsp minced shallot 3 tsp finely chopped parsley 1½ tsp lemon zest 8 Tbsp (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened 6 oz blue cheese, crumbled

After the grits come out of the oven, put a rack in the oven so that it is 4 inches from the heat source. Put a broiler pan on the rack and preheat the broiler.

Brush steaks with olive oil, rub all over with minced garlic and season generously with salt and pepper on both sides.

Place the steaks on the very hot broiler pan. Broil for 5 minutes. Carefully flip the steaks. Broil for 3 minutes for medium-rare.

Remove the steaks from the pan and place on a trenched cutting board. Let the steaks rest, tented with foil, for 10 minutes.

Meanwhile, in a small bowl, combine the shallot, parsley, lemon zest, butter, blue cheese and a sprinkle of salt.

Slice the steaks and serve with a dollop of blue cheese topping.

Crumb Cauliflower - from Screen Doors and Sweet Tea

1 small head cauliflower, trimmed and separated into florets ½ cup olive oil 2 garlic cloves, minced ½ cup dry bread  crumbs 2 Tbsp chopped parsley 1 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil 1 Tbsp grated Parmesan cheese Salt and freshly ground black pepper

In a Dutch oven over medium-high heat, sear cauliflower in olive oil for 2 minutes. Toss to coat with oil, then cover and cook for 5 more minutes.

In a mixing bowl, combine garlic, bread crumbs, parsley and Parmesan cheese. Sprinkle mixture over cauliflower and season with salt and pepper. Finish off vegetables in a very hot broiler.

Logistics were key in getting this meal to the table in a coordinated fashion. While the grits baked, there was plenty of time to prep the steaks, cauliflower and even a pie crust! While the steaks broiled, the cauliflower caramelized. As the meat rested, the florets got a crunchy topping in the already-hot broiler. And just like that, enthusiastic feasting began anew. It was no accident that cheese occupied a supporting roll in every dish. No, I purposefully included it... because I could.

To demonstrate just how completely unhinged I become on the subject of cheese, here's another Top-40 ditty my buddy Matty O'Food and I penned and used to sing on road trips up and down the coast of California. It is sung to the tune of "Mr. Sandman", as recorded by the Chordettes in 1954.

Mr. Satan! Bring me some cheese. (bung, bung, bung, bung) Make it a Gouda or Brie if you please! Give me two wedges of Jarlsberg and Stilton, That Limburger smells like wet socks a'wiltin'! I said, Satan! I want some more. Sliced Jack and Cheddar on Ritz by the score. So I'll shout until I wheeze, Mr. Satan bring me some cheese! (Jazz hands!!!!)

Don't say you weren't warned. Now would be a good time to describe dessert, I think:

Lemon Icebox Pie

1½ cups graham cracker crumbs ¼ cup granulated sugar ½ tsp ground cinnamon ½ cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted 2 (14-ounce) cans sweetened condensed milk 4 large egg yolks 1 tsp grated lemon zest ½ cup fresh lemon juice 2 cups heavy cream 6 tablespoons confectioners' sugar ¼ tsp vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350°F.

In a medium bowl, combine the graham cracker crumbs, granulated sugar, cinnamon and melted butter. Pat into a 9-inch deep-dish pie pan and bake for 6 to 8 minutes, or until slightly browned. Remove to a wire rack to cool.

Meanwhile, in a large bowl, whisk together the condensed milk, yolks, lemon zest and lemon juice. Pour the lemon filling into the cooled crust. Bake for 10 minutes, until set. Cool on a rack. Chill the pie for at least 30 minutes.

When ready to serve the pie, whip the cream with the confectioners' sugar and vanilla until stiff peaks form. Spread the whipped cream on top of the pie and serve.

I have to admit, and Muffy agreed, this was one time where following the recipe resulted in - mainly - a learning experience. It was our considered opinion that there was way too much butter in the crust (it was so brittle after chilling), too much sugar in the custard (cut by at least a third), and not nearly enough lemony goodness (amp up the lemon zest). Still, a so-so dessert is better than no dessert at all. And it took hardly any effort to prepare. Wanna bet a revised version travels up to Maine with us next summer?

So, my goal to pamper Miss Muffy went off flawlessly. I managed to keep her out of the kitchen for the most part (except when I couldn't), and afforded her the luxury of kicking back with a book or her needlepoint while someone else sweated what to cook for dinner. In the end, I got just as much - if not more - out of the venture as she. Can't wait for the repeat!

Thanks for taking the time - Blog O. Food